AWOL in Alabama
2004-09-17 18:04:18 UTC
THE PRESIDENT: Ten years ago, my predecessor Bill Clinton took it upon
himself to gut the Second Amendment to the U.S. Constitution by
imposing a ban on so-called "assault weapons." Sadly for America, he
wasn't talking about that rapid-fire jizz howitzer he keeps in his
trousers. No, he was talking about the rapid-fire personal weapons of
medium destruction that our Founding Fathers so clearly foresaw each
time they spent five minutes hand-packing single-shot lead balls into
six foot iron muskets.
Today, the United States can be proud to have a President who
understands that quite the contrary to Bill Clinton's interpretation,
the Second Amendment is the ONLY part of the Bill of Rights we really
need. A President who proudly ignores the fact that over 70% of his
constituents want the Assault Rifle ban extended, but has the
conviction and sense of leadership it takes to flip the bird to all
those crybaby pussies. And yes, I am that President, and I understand
that in these terrifying times, an UZI and M16 in every pot are what's
needed for a few very important reasons:
First off, there's hunting. Now everyone knows that killing critters
is more than a way to feed your family, thin the hostile and
aggressive deer population, and make earth-shattering ka-booms echo
across God's Country. Hunting is a sport! A sport where fat, bored men
who haven't popped a boner in months play the soldier they never had
the guts to be in real life by killing Bambi, then letting her gamy
meat get all frost burned for years in a basement freezer.
Lemme tell you, there's nothing like dumping the old lady at home
while you and your buddies go drain Coors party balls in the woods all
weekend. And then if you're lucky, there's that one moment of exerting
yourself by squeezing a trigger and cracking a buck in the neck. I
love the adrenaline of sprinting the whole 100 yards to where the deer
has fallen dead. Then after catching my breath and wiping my brow dry,
collapsing on the still warm corpse to check my trophy fondling the
horns, running my fingers through the coarse coat, flicking my tongue
into the bleeding, gaping cunt of the bullet hole, grinding my lust
into its hindquarters and... and... we'll y'all know. And now, because
I'm letting the assault rifle ban expire, we can all get back to the
thrill of downing these monsters with machine guns!
Secondly, there's the issue of securitizing our residentiaries. I know
that you residents of our country's great all-white backwaters need to
be able to protect your double-wides. I know you folks own a whole lot
of valuable Chinese plastic stuff you bought at Wal-Mart, and you need
the ability to use deadly force in order to keep it safe from Negro
tornadoes and swarms of horny terrorist suiciders intent on stripping
the velour sweatpants off your 400 pound wife and sodomating her
lilly-white cottage cheese butt right there on the formica countertop
just before frying your whole family with a thermonukular Samsonite
carry-on.
Thirdly, I know that folks in Montana and Idaho prayer bunkers need to
be fully prepared for the day when Jesus forbid a Democrat like
John Kerry becomes President and sends out legions of jack-booted
federal thugs to try and tell people that they're not allowed to put
land mines around their front yards and customize their Chevy
Silverados with Patriot Missile launchers! Because if there's one
thing America's 200 years of serving as the world's shining example of
FREEDOM® and Democracy has taught our flag-waving NRA members, it's
that they should live in constant slacks-drenching fear that the
government will be storming our living rooms to confiscate little
Timmy's BB gun.
And to my dear cross-eyed friends in the Deep South, let me say that
even though I a Connecticut Yalie born and bred, I understand that you
all still wet your beds at night over memories of the War of Northern
Aggression, when an army of micks, nigras, Catholics, and Boston
Dandies came trouncing through your property, setting fire to
everything and forcing you all to act nice and live the letter of the
Constitution. Which is why, more than anything else, in the very
likely eventuality that the North invades again, you all need to be
armed to your remaining teeth with AK-47's, AR-15's, TEC9's and all
other manner of military issue thunder sticks which, had they
existed back in the 1860's, you all might have spent the last 145
years using them to keep your uppity colored cotton pickers in line
instead of watching them all turn into famous basketball and rap-hop
gazillionaires.
And so, for all these reasons and more, I am pleased to announce that
effective immediately, the Assault Weapons ban is lifted. Now if you
can believe it, liberals like John Kerry are going to criticize this.
They actually think there's a connection between the fact that these
guns have been illegal for ten years and the fact that violent gun
crime is now at its lowest level in a generation. HA! Now leave it to
the Democrats to use "numbers" to justify their glaringly apparent and
embarrassingly obvious logic.
Over 20,000 people a year are killed by firearms is what they'll say.
That the ban saves lives. Well, hogwash. You know who saves lives?
George W. Bush saves lives! I happen to know that almost 3,000 people
died three years ago in that terrible tragedy I love to suckle on like
some kind of spooky cowboy vampire that I like to call "Lucky Numbers
Nine-One-One." People need to dispense with all that common sense
statistics nonsense ad accept that they are in WAY more danger of
being killed by a terrorist than being hit by a bullet launching from
the barrel of a weapon designed to kill as many human beings as
possible. Make sense? Give it a moment, it will.
Anyway, a side benefit of the ban being lifted is that them urban
monkeys in the ghetto can go back to blowing themselves up left and
right, flying through the air all Matrix-like an Uzi in each hand
and a MAC-10 velcroed to each thigh, thus reducing crime. Hallelujah!
NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of
America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Rehnquist
Supreme Court, do hereby proclaim that effective Monday, September 14,
2001, machine gun buying privileges are permanently expanded to
include whatsoever high school dropout, paranoid survivalist nutjob,
gangbanger, dittohead, disgruntled postal worker, or aspiring young
Timothy McVeigh-of-Tomorrow who's jonesing for some serious kill
power.
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, and with the public acceptance of the notion that
even though I swore to uphold this ban in 2000, I am no
"flip-flopper," I have hereunto set my hand this fourteenth day of
September, in the year of our Lord Jesus Christ two thousand three,
and of the Independence of the United States of America the two
hundred and twenty-ninth.
GEORGE W. BUSH
himself to gut the Second Amendment to the U.S. Constitution by
imposing a ban on so-called "assault weapons." Sadly for America, he
wasn't talking about that rapid-fire jizz howitzer he keeps in his
trousers. No, he was talking about the rapid-fire personal weapons of
medium destruction that our Founding Fathers so clearly foresaw each
time they spent five minutes hand-packing single-shot lead balls into
six foot iron muskets.
Today, the United States can be proud to have a President who
understands that quite the contrary to Bill Clinton's interpretation,
the Second Amendment is the ONLY part of the Bill of Rights we really
need. A President who proudly ignores the fact that over 70% of his
constituents want the Assault Rifle ban extended, but has the
conviction and sense of leadership it takes to flip the bird to all
those crybaby pussies. And yes, I am that President, and I understand
that in these terrifying times, an UZI and M16 in every pot are what's
needed for a few very important reasons:
First off, there's hunting. Now everyone knows that killing critters
is more than a way to feed your family, thin the hostile and
aggressive deer population, and make earth-shattering ka-booms echo
across God's Country. Hunting is a sport! A sport where fat, bored men
who haven't popped a boner in months play the soldier they never had
the guts to be in real life by killing Bambi, then letting her gamy
meat get all frost burned for years in a basement freezer.
Lemme tell you, there's nothing like dumping the old lady at home
while you and your buddies go drain Coors party balls in the woods all
weekend. And then if you're lucky, there's that one moment of exerting
yourself by squeezing a trigger and cracking a buck in the neck. I
love the adrenaline of sprinting the whole 100 yards to where the deer
has fallen dead. Then after catching my breath and wiping my brow dry,
collapsing on the still warm corpse to check my trophy fondling the
horns, running my fingers through the coarse coat, flicking my tongue
into the bleeding, gaping cunt of the bullet hole, grinding my lust
into its hindquarters and... and... we'll y'all know. And now, because
I'm letting the assault rifle ban expire, we can all get back to the
thrill of downing these monsters with machine guns!
Secondly, there's the issue of securitizing our residentiaries. I know
that you residents of our country's great all-white backwaters need to
be able to protect your double-wides. I know you folks own a whole lot
of valuable Chinese plastic stuff you bought at Wal-Mart, and you need
the ability to use deadly force in order to keep it safe from Negro
tornadoes and swarms of horny terrorist suiciders intent on stripping
the velour sweatpants off your 400 pound wife and sodomating her
lilly-white cottage cheese butt right there on the formica countertop
just before frying your whole family with a thermonukular Samsonite
carry-on.
Thirdly, I know that folks in Montana and Idaho prayer bunkers need to
be fully prepared for the day when Jesus forbid a Democrat like
John Kerry becomes President and sends out legions of jack-booted
federal thugs to try and tell people that they're not allowed to put
land mines around their front yards and customize their Chevy
Silverados with Patriot Missile launchers! Because if there's one
thing America's 200 years of serving as the world's shining example of
FREEDOM® and Democracy has taught our flag-waving NRA members, it's
that they should live in constant slacks-drenching fear that the
government will be storming our living rooms to confiscate little
Timmy's BB gun.
And to my dear cross-eyed friends in the Deep South, let me say that
even though I a Connecticut Yalie born and bred, I understand that you
all still wet your beds at night over memories of the War of Northern
Aggression, when an army of micks, nigras, Catholics, and Boston
Dandies came trouncing through your property, setting fire to
everything and forcing you all to act nice and live the letter of the
Constitution. Which is why, more than anything else, in the very
likely eventuality that the North invades again, you all need to be
armed to your remaining teeth with AK-47's, AR-15's, TEC9's and all
other manner of military issue thunder sticks which, had they
existed back in the 1860's, you all might have spent the last 145
years using them to keep your uppity colored cotton pickers in line
instead of watching them all turn into famous basketball and rap-hop
gazillionaires.
And so, for all these reasons and more, I am pleased to announce that
effective immediately, the Assault Weapons ban is lifted. Now if you
can believe it, liberals like John Kerry are going to criticize this.
They actually think there's a connection between the fact that these
guns have been illegal for ten years and the fact that violent gun
crime is now at its lowest level in a generation. HA! Now leave it to
the Democrats to use "numbers" to justify their glaringly apparent and
embarrassingly obvious logic.
Over 20,000 people a year are killed by firearms is what they'll say.
That the ban saves lives. Well, hogwash. You know who saves lives?
George W. Bush saves lives! I happen to know that almost 3,000 people
died three years ago in that terrible tragedy I love to suckle on like
some kind of spooky cowboy vampire that I like to call "Lucky Numbers
Nine-One-One." People need to dispense with all that common sense
statistics nonsense ad accept that they are in WAY more danger of
being killed by a terrorist than being hit by a bullet launching from
the barrel of a weapon designed to kill as many human beings as
possible. Make sense? Give it a moment, it will.
Anyway, a side benefit of the ban being lifted is that them urban
monkeys in the ghetto can go back to blowing themselves up left and
right, flying through the air all Matrix-like an Uzi in each hand
and a MAC-10 velcroed to each thigh, thus reducing crime. Hallelujah!
NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of
America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Rehnquist
Supreme Court, do hereby proclaim that effective Monday, September 14,
2001, machine gun buying privileges are permanently expanded to
include whatsoever high school dropout, paranoid survivalist nutjob,
gangbanger, dittohead, disgruntled postal worker, or aspiring young
Timothy McVeigh-of-Tomorrow who's jonesing for some serious kill
power.
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, and with the public acceptance of the notion that
even though I swore to uphold this ban in 2000, I am no
"flip-flopper," I have hereunto set my hand this fourteenth day of
September, in the year of our Lord Jesus Christ two thousand three,
and of the Independence of the United States of America the two
hundred and twenty-ninth.
GEORGE W. BUSH